Reginald Thornton-Hayes III
Senior Creative Director · Chief Brand Philosopher
Forty-seven years in brand consulting. I have named eleven pharmaceuticals, two regional casinos, and one war. I do not sell products. I sell the feeling a man gets when the anthem plays and he cannot say precisely why. Many people are saying (the best people, frankly) this is the finest work of my career. Believe me.
Ultra Maga Mart is not a store.Ultra Maga Mart is a nation.
The Creed
We believe in the Eagle: gliding, screaming, clutching an AK-47 in one talon and a domestic beer in the other.
We believe in the Holy Bible: specifically the $59.99 edition endorsed by the 45th President. Accept no substitutes.
We believe in the Mullet. Business in the front. Party in the back.
On The Liberal
The liberal, I regret to say, believes in terrible things.
In speech for those with whom one openly disagrees.
In leaders chosen by ballots. Counted.
In taxes voted upon (a position we suspect was imported, in error, from Boston Harbor).
In laws that apply equally to every American.
In journalists no one supervises.
In theories regarding the weather.
In short:commie shit.
One Nation. Under God.Under Cotton.
R. Thornton-Hayes III
Patriot & Associates, est. MCMLXXVIII