The Record

I have the best brain. The shirt confirms it. I no longer feel the need to demonstrate it.

My wife has the second best brain in this house and she knows it because the shirt says which one is first. We no longer argue. We consult the shirt.

I have stopped reading things. The shirt covers it. Whatever the topic, I am already holding the correct position and it is printed on me.

Had to explain this one four times at Thanksgiving. By the fourth time I had talked myself into something I had not meant to say out loud.

Bought it as a joke. Now I keep catching my own shadow in shop windows. It is less of a joke than it was.

I bought it to stand apart. Then I saw four of them at the county fair. We nodded at each other. I have not worked out what that means yet.

This is the greatest merch in the world, by far the best. Many people are saying….

I have not formed an opinion since March and I have never slept better.

My brother in law asked what I thought about the news. I pointed at the shirt. He nodded. We have not spoken since and we are closer than ever.

I chose. I will not say which. The whole point of choosing is that other people have to wonder, and they do, constantly, at the pump.

Four stars. I chose a vehicle and then my son explained what it meant and I had to choose again. The shirt is fine. The choosing is harder than advertised.

It flies beside the mailbox at the end of the drive. The postal carrier has started approaching from the neighbour's side. Deterrence works.

The HOA sent a letter about the flag. I sent back a letter asking which department had jurisdiction. I have not heard from them in nine weeks.

Eleven consecutive days of wear to maintain my standing. Nobody has confirmed my standing. I remain hopeful and I remain loyal.

I asked which tier I had reached. I was told the tier structure is proprietary. That is exactly the sort of discretion I am paying for.

I wear it to the store so people know I am there on official business. A woman asked if I worked there. In a sense I told her yes.

Three stars. The shirt arrived and the groceries did not. I have read the listing eleven times. I accept now that this was on me.

Applied it to the cooler. The eagle is holding more than an eagle should be able to hold and so is the cooler. They understand each other.

Smaller than I pictured. Still carrying the anvil though. Scale has nothing to do with it and I respect that about him.

At last, a department that has stopped hedging about what it does. Truth in labelling. Five stars.

Khaki was the correct call. It reads as surplus. Two people have assumed I was issued it.

I drink from it during meetings. Nobody has asked about it once. That is how I know it is working.

The laurel sits right at the brow. People can tell I have won something. I have not told them what.

I tell it like it is and this merch helps me speak what's on my mind without having to check what's on there first. Used to be I had to tell it like it is out loud, one person at a time, like an animal. Now the shirt tells it and I just stand near it. Wore it to my nephew's baptism and three separate people asked me to leave, which is how you know it's working. Tag says Made by Patriots. There was a second tag under that one but it wasn't in American so I cut it off. Five stars. Would be six but my wife says that's not a thing.

Wore it to the grocery store. Received two knowing nods and one very long stare from a man holding eggs.

Shirt is excellent. Still waiting on the whiskey.

It is above my kitchen sink in spirit and on my body in practice. I do all three daily, mostly the third.

I lost the I. It took three weeks. Worth it.

Put it on the back glass. Now when people tailgate me they are receiving instruction whether they asked for it or not. That is ministry.

Four stars only because the algae is still there. The shirt is doing everything it can.

The lake behind my house is not great. I have worn this beside it on fourteen occasions. I am doing my part.

The eagle is carrying an anvil, a rifle, and what appears to be a second and smaller eagle. No bird could do this. That is the point.

I wore this to the DMV and had a look around. The shirt was not wrong.

Wore it to trivia night. Did not answer a single question. Still felt I had contributed.

My water heater failed in January. I know who to thank. I now wear this to the basement.

I appreciate a shirt that says the quiet part. Saves me the trouble of saying it myself.