★ Patriot & Associates ★
Join the firm
We are hiring across every department. The departments are listed below. They do the same thing.
These positions are not real and there is nowhere to apply. We mention this once, early, and the rest of the page does not mention it at all.
8
Open roles
One job
0
Applications received
By design
100%
Internal promotion rate
Nobody has left
Open positions
Conviction · The office · Band IV
Senior Conviction Architect
You will be responsible for conviction. Not for any particular conviction; for the structure that holds one once it arrives.
This is a senior post and reports directly to the Chief Brand Philosopher, who reports to no one and has said so in writing, twice, unprompted.
What we are looking for
- Experience is not required. Conviction is.
- Must be able to hold a position without having formed it.
- Comfort with ambiguity, and with the word ambiguity, and with being asked what it means.
Conviction · The office, further in · Band IV
Junior Conviction Architect
Identical to the above in every respect except title, compensation, and the degree to which anyone will look at your work.
Reports to the Senior Conviction Architect, who reports to the Chief Brand Philosopher, who is in a meeting.
What we are looking for
- Willingness to be promoted into the role above without any change in duties.
- A tolerance for being told that this is a tremendous opportunity.
Message Durability · Wherever the message is weakest · Band VI
Director of Saying It Again
The firm has found that a claim repeated is a claim strengthened. This role repeats claims.
You will not be asked to assess whether a claim is true. That assessment was made, once, early on, by someone who has left, and is considered settled.
What we are looking for
- Stamina.
- The ability to say a sentence for the ninth time as though it were the first.
- The ability to say it a tenth time after someone has proved it wrong.
Balance · The middle, structurally · Band V
Head of Both Sides
Every question has two sides. This department locates the second one. Where a second side cannot be located, this department supplies it, and the question is then described as contested.
The firm takes no view on which side is correct. The firm takes the view that there are two, which is a view, and is the one we defend.
What we are looking for
- An ability to find a counterpoint to a measurement.
- No strong feelings about arithmetic.
Compliance · Near Legal · Band VII
Vice President, Adjacent Truths
Some statements are true. Others are near true, or true nearby, or were true at the time and have not been revisited. This role manages the second category, which is the larger one.
You will work closely with Legal, who will not return your calls, and with the Office of Origin and Disclosure, who will, at length, about something else.
What we are looking for
- An ear for the difference between accurate and honest.
- Discretion, in the sense of knowing which questions produce answers nobody wanted.
Continuity · The archive, which is a cupboard · Band III
Custodian of the Narrative
The firm has always said what it is saying now. Your job is to make sure that remains the case.
You will have access to every past statement and the authority to describe any of them as having been taken out of context, including statements that were one sentence long.
What we are looking for
- A flexible relationship with chronology.
- Must not keep a diary.
Creative · Studio · Band V
Head of the Eagle
The eagle appears in all of our materials carrying objects he could not reasonably lift. You will protect this.
Proposals to have the eagle carry a lighter object are received regularly and have never once been accepted. The last person to submit one is now Custodian of the Narrative.
What we are looking for
- A firm view on what the eagle would and would not do.
- No interest whatsoever in ornithology.
Executive · The corner, by the window · Band I
Chief Brand Philosopher
This position is filled. It has always been filled. It is listed here so that the ladder has a top, which staff have said they find motivating.
What we are looking for
- Not applicable.
Benefits
The firm invests in its people. The investment is listed below and has not been valued.
Unlimited leave
Subject to cover, which has never been available. Nobody has taken a day since 2019.
Comprehensive dental
The plan has been described to us in full and we were impressed by it.
Equity
You will hold a stake in the firm's outlook. The outlook is strong.
Hybrid working
Two days in the office and three days thinking about the office.
Learning budget
Available for courses that confirm what the firm already believes.
Wellness programme
A quiet room. The room is used for performance reviews, but not during wellness hours.
Our process
Five stages. We are told that naming them is itself a form of fairness.
01
Expression of interest
Not collected. There is no form. We would like to stress that there is no form.
02
Initial screen
Conducted internally, about you, without you, and concluded before you read this.
03
Panel
Four people. Three are the same person at different levels of seniority.
04
Culture conversation
We describe the culture. You agree that it is a culture. This is the whole stage.
05
Offer
Extended to the candidate who most closely resembles the person who wrote the listing.
How to apply
There is no process. There has never been a process.
Everyone currently at the firm arrived by a route nobody has been able to reconstruct. The Custodian of the Narrative has reconstructed it four times and the versions do not agree.
Patriot & Associates is an equal opportunity employer in the sense that the opportunity is equally unavailable to everyone.
Thank you for your attention to this matter