Statements thatdefeated themselves

SO-001

“We are the only store with nothing to hide.”

Filed by the Office of Origin and Disclosure, a department that exists to withhold things and is good at it.

SO-004

“Our merchandise is made by patriots.”

Upheld in full. The patriots are in another country.

SO-012

“Nobody reads the small print.”

Printed in the small print. No one has raised it in eighteen months.

SO-015

“This department holds the firm to account.”

This department is funded by the firm, staffed by the firm, and has never completed a review.

SO-018

“We say what everyone is thinking.”

A survey was conducted. Everyone was thinking about something else.

SO-023

“Real patriots do not need slogans.”

Now available as a slogan. Three colours, sizes S to 3XL.

SO-027

“We have never once changed our position.”

Confirmed. The position moved and we went with it, which is not the same as changing.

SO-031

“The National Threat Level speaks for itself.”

It does not. That is why a source is printed next to it every single day.

SO-034

“Nothing on this website is a joke.”

Filed under Jokes.

SO-038

“We believe in total transparency.”

The transparency page lists eight production stages. Seven of them resolve to the word facility.

SO-041

“Our critics have never read us closely.”

Our critics are the only people who have.

SO-045

“This is the most honest storefront in America.”

No competing storefront was examined. None was contacted. The claim stands.

SO-049

“We are not political. We sell shirts.”

Submitted alongside a shirt. The shirt is political. The shirt was the attachment.

SO-052

“Do your own research.”

Issued by the department that declines research requests, on a page with no sources, under a headline with no author.

SO-056

“We are being silenced.”

Recorded at volume, in writing, on our own website, which has no comment section.

SO-061

“Facts do not care about your feelings.”

Filed in response to a feeling. No fact was attached. The department has asked twice.

SO-064

“Nobody tells us what to print.”

Correct. The Director of Saying It Again tells us what to print, and he is one of us.

SO-068

“We only report what is verified.”

The verifier is the Bureau. The Bureau verifies by asking us. We have never said no to ourselves.

SO-072

“This company has no ideology.”

Printed on the back of the ideology, in the same ink, by the same press.

SO-077

“We trust the public to make up its own mind.”

Followed, in the same paragraph, by nine hundred words on what the public should conclude.