Questions we have received

Questions with real answers

Nothing in this section is a bit.

When will my order ship?

Each item is printed after you order it, so there is a production step before shipping. Once it moves you get a tracking number by email. You can also look an order up at any time with order tracking, using the order number from your confirmation.

What size should I order?

Measure a shirt you already own and compare it against the garment listed on the product page. The size guide explains it in four steps and is worth the two minutes, because items printed to order cannot be exchanged for fit.

Something arrived damaged or wrong. What now?

We replace it or refund it. Reply to your order confirmation with the order number and a photograph of the problem. The full policy is on the returns page.

Do I need an account to order?

No. Checkout works as a guest, and an order placed that way can still be looked up later. An account exists if you want order history in one place.

Is the merchandise real?

Yes. Real cotton, real ink, printed to order and shipped to an address you type in yourself. Shipping and sales tax are included in the price shown. The satire is the storefront; the shirt is a shirt.

Where is it made?

China. The long version, which takes considerably more words to say the same thing, is on the supply chain page.

Everything else

Is this a joke?

The merchandise is not. Everything written around it is doing something, and whether that something is a joke has been the subject of internal discussion that remains open.

What is the National Threat Level based on?

It is published daily and sourced precisely. The source is printed next to it. We would ask you to read the source before forming a view on the level.

Why does the eagle carry so much?

He is not lifting it. He has already lifted it. We join him afterwards, which is where most people would prefer to be joined.

Who is Reginald Thornton-Hayes III?

The Chief Brand Philosopher of Patriot & Associates. He is available to argue with at the bottom right of every page and has never conceded a point, though he has occasionally agreed with one.

Can I speak to a human?

Yes. Reply to your order email. A person reads it. This is one of the few sentences on this website with no second meaning.