Office of the Chief Brand Philosopher
Executive orders
The Office has reviewed the week and has elected to act. It should be noted that the Office holds no authority to issue executive orders, which is the reason it is able to issue so many of them, and the reason none of them can be countermanded.
- EO 11-05In effect
Relief for the Affected
Any patriot presenting apparel and drinkware together is granted relief of the amount stated below, applied at checkout by the Office without being asked. No code is required. No form is required. No proof of eligibility is required, the Office having abolished all three before lunch.
Relief: $1.76 off. Applied automatically.
Claim relief - EO 11-04In effect
The Count Shall Continue
The Office of the Count is directed to continue counting. The Office of the Count is further directed not to finish. Reporting shall remain at its present level, which the firm considers stable.
View the count - EO 11-03In effect
Mandatory Optimism
Department heads shall describe current conditions as tremendous. Department heads shall not be asked which conditions. A department head who is asked anyway shall say that many people are saying it.
- EO 11-02In effect
Concerning the Eagle
The eagle is granted the remainder of the week. The eagle is not to be shown the figures, is not to be asked how he feels about the figures, and is to continue holding objects significantly heavier than he should reasonably be able to carry, as before.
- EO 11-01Under review
Retroactive Review of the Suggestion Box
All suggestions received before Tuesday are to be marked Not Actioned, retroactively, including the one from August that described this week in some detail. The Office notes that it was filed correctly and handled correctly and that this is the end of the matter.
File another - EO 11-00Rescinded
Declaration of Victory
The firm declares a tremendous victory, the best victory, a victory many people are already calling the largest in the history of this or any catalogue. Issued 7:14pm. Rescinded 11:52pm the same evening on the advice of the Office of the Count, which was at that time still counting.
Orders take effect immediately and remain in effect until the Office says otherwise, has said otherwise, or is found to have said otherwise all along. The register is maintained in full, including the parts of it the firm would rather not maintain.